Before and After

I was dying and you asked me what are you doing here? I really can't articulate how much this hurts. Dying was never this painful. Dying wasn't hard. It's the living I have to do now that feels unbearable.


A confused mess

My psydoc gave me Vraylar. It's one of the few things I've never taken before, and that's because it's a fairly new drug. I also know next to nothing about it, aside from the possibility of extrapyramidal symptoms. We'll see. I'm now taking four psych drugs, plus the laxatives to counter constipation side effects, plus … Continue reading A confused mess

Waiting II

It's ironic, to me, that I likely wouldn't consider myself disabled if I had the sort of access to medical care that more affluent folks in this country do and that people in other developed countries usually do. The United States is behind the times in a lot of ways; this is just one of … Continue reading Waiting II

Making it mean something

If there's anything that's keeping me alive at this point, it's that I want to make all the shit I've been through mean something. I don't want it to all be for naught. I don't know exactly how to do that. But I'm trying to figure it out, and I have to make myself believe … Continue reading Making it mean something

Just repress all of it.

Yeah, maybe that's not the best way to manage things. I tried repressing certain things for the last five years or so, and other things for other periods of time, some overlapping, some not. And so, recently, I thought about it and realized that, since refusing to face these things hadn't at all worked out … Continue reading Just repress all of it.

Disability update

...or lack thereof. I had my disability hearing last week. I think it went okay, but my attorney says I won’t have an answer until probably six or eight weeks from now, so I don’t expect to hear anything before about the first week of November, at the earliest. Given the track record they have … Continue reading Disability update

Disability hearing today

I have my hearing today. I'm not sure what's going to happen. My worry is that one of a handful of things will go wrong. I don't exactly look sick, physically, and I look very young, so it does worry me that the ALJ will make a snap judgment about me based on that stuff … Continue reading Disability hearing today