Fear of a Fucked Up Planet

I had therapy yesterday. We talked about how it’s hard for me to finish a task once started. The general idea now is that there are two main reasons: ADHD and fear of failure. ADHD was a known problem, and fear of failure is just so obvious I’m surprised and embarrassed I didn’t think of it on my own.

Knowing this is different than being able to change it. ADHD is one matter; I’m switching meds at the moment, and Strattera never really worked for this. But maybe my antidepressant cocktail will. Who can say? Beyond that is the cognitive behavioral aspect of it, where the idea is to develop new ways of thinking and new habits rather than continuing to do the same things you’ve been doing.

This is easier said than done. And there’s another side to this fear of failure shtick. I have a tendency to want to do every part of a thing right, and that means that, when I read something, I want to comb through it and understand every bit of it. Obviously, this is not always possible. So, if I get stuck, this is sometimes difficult for me to push past.

At any rate, I’m doing my best, as I have been, but maybe it will make a difference that I know this is a part of my problem.

Then there’s the other elephant in the room, which is my sexual orientation and the unpleasant feelings I have about that, for reasons I don’t understand. I don’t particularly care who’s attracted to whom; I care that they’re safe, but it’s not my business, is what I mean. And I certainly don’t think less or more of someone based on the genders that attract them or don’t attract them.

So, why is this a problem for me? I don’t know. But there’s a knee-jerk reaction to considering my attraction to male-aligned people, and that reaction is to sort of mildly panic that this is Not Allowed For Me.

It’s bothersome. I’m trying to figure it out. There’s no conscious reason I have for feeling like this about my sexuality. Sexuality in general, though, as attributed to me, that’s always been complicated. So maybe this is just a manifestation of another problem.

I haven’t been with anyone in years, despite having a high sex drive, and before testosterone, I’d convinced myself I was asexual. (Not that asexuality can be “cured” (or that it should be “treated”) with testosterone. Rather, I was mistaken in the thought that I was asexual. Most people, I would think, who identify as ace are, in fact, ace.) It’s possible this is indicative of another sort of problem, as I said. Denial of sexuality in general and subsequent realization of internalized homophobia are probably connected, I would think.

I need to pull this apart and get at its foundation, partially for my wellbeing and partially out of curiosity.

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