I’m writing this just to process a little bit what’s happening with me, and to document it for posterity, I guess. Read/comment if you’d like (:
One of the things I’ve had to come to terms with in the last few years is my transness. Recently, I’m realizing it’s more complicated than originally anticipated.
I guess I’m a genderfluid demiboy. Or maybe I’d call myself a nonbinary boy. The former seems like the right combination of words, but the latter works, too. But I’m fluid between neutral/androgynous and male or male-aligned. That’s the point. So whatever that’s called, that’s what I am.
It’s neat, in a way. It’s also neat (in a way) that I’ve been able to come to terms with myself as being pansexual recently. Both are kind of interconnected for me. They’re not the same thing, gender and sexuality, as many people in and out of the LGBT+ community seem to not be aware. But for me, they’re connected.
Probably accepting my transness in general has made accepting this stuff, including being pan, easier than it would otherwise have been. It’s been hella difficult, but probably it’s been made easier by doing that work as a bit of a preliminary.
I used to explain it away to myself and others by saying, oh, I have a high sex drive, but I’m not wanting to get with anyone. Some ace folks have a high sex drive, and some enjoy sex, even if they don’t experience sexual attraction. And of course it’s true that pansexual folks have a variety of high and low and medium sex drive tendencies; there are as many libido levels as there are people, probably. But I think I’ve always had to lie to myself, in a way, about being attracted to people. And my sex drive being what it is and has been even before hormones meant that I had to do some serious mental gymnastics to explain away why I felt the way I did when I looked at people.
Not that this would happen every time, or that I’d be attracted to everyone I met, because obviously, it doesn’t work that way. But still, there’s been quite a bit of denial.
I’m not entirely sure why. That’s the part where I get lost. After coming out as trans, and after my frequent relapses and attempts to recover from an eating disorder, after almost dying a bunch of times, you’d think sexuality and being male-aligned part of the time wouldn’t be a problem. But I’ve resisted it for a long time, and I think, in the end, it became more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything I thought about consciously. And recently I realized that I don’t have to do that, so I’ve been trying not to.
It’s still hard. There’s dysphoria, but there’s also this sense, that I feel like is partly social conditioning, a sense that I shouldn’t feel the way I do and that there’s something wrong with me. I don’t consciously feel that there’s anything wrong with being attracted to men, regardless of your own gender, but there’s something in me that wants to go, hold the fuck up. You’re not allowed to do this.
It’s probably the same sort of thing that says to me, you’re not allowed to enjoy food or feel good about yourself. And honestly, fuck that thing. If I have to be alive, I’m damn well going to try to enjoy it, or at least make the best of it.
The root of all this, I think, is in unpacking why I hate myself the way I do and why I treat myself poorly. And of course, in understanding that, hopefully I can move past it