Recovery is so weird. For me, anyway, it’s weird just because when I have a slightly better day than average, I have to worry I’m sliding into a manic episode. And then I can think I’m doing okay as far as food, and something will happen and I’ll crash right back down where I started.

I might be a touch hypomanic. I’m not sure, actually.

I’m going to try to do NaNoWriMo. My novel is about a woman who is at university pursuing her degree in her dream fields — art and math — and she has this traumatic thing happen to her that totally fucks everything up. So she tries to be normal and healthy and do things like dating the right people (men) and doing the right activities (cliched feminine things) and basically pretending to be a Totally Normal Girl who wants to find and settle down with a Totally Normal Boy.

She’s miserable. Everyone is pleased with her, they think she’s being reasonable and respectable, and she’s like, suicidally depressed and bored as hell. So she has to process what happened to her and realizes she needs to go back the way she came and stop trying to please everyone. Basically, she figures out she needs to worry about her damn self and what she needs.

It’s loosely inspired by some shit that happened to me. The traumatic event leading to eventual school drop out, that happened IRL, but that’s about it. And it was a different sort of trauma in my case. Also, I’m not a girl.

I might be a demiboy. I’m definitely nonbinary, and I’m pretty sure I’m pansexual. Everyone is hot, and sometimes I feel like I’m a boy, is the point. This character is a lady and gay as hell. (There need to be more wlw characters in general. And honestly I doubt I could write anyone straight. It’s not in me.) She enjoys some feminine things but resents being made to do them because that’s what she’s “supposed” to do. I think a lot of people can relate to that.

Anyway, for the thing, I have to do research. Sacred geometry and higher maths and the general intersection of math and art. Actually, I don’t have a lot of training in aesthetics, as far as philosophy, and I’ve been wanting to rectify that, broaden my horizons a little, and so this is a good time for that.

Now, if only I could find it in me to concentrate on something for more than 10 minutes at a time. That would be so cool.


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