A confused mess

My psydoc gave me Vraylar. It’s one of the few things I’ve never taken before, and that’s because it’s a fairly new drug. I also know next to nothing about it, aside from the possibility of extrapyramidal symptoms.

We’ll see. I’m now taking four psych drugs, plus the laxatives to counter constipation side effects, plus testosterone and an iron complex. And of course caffeine.

I’m a mess.

There’s something constantly on my mind, and I can’t really open up to anyone in my life about it. This is why I talk about it here.

How do you come back from doing something that (in your own mind, if not that of others involved) completely screwed up your life? That’s the question on my mind these days.

It’s not a self-pity thing, I don’t think. I could be wrong.

It’s hard to know, anyway, what the best course of action is at this point. I have to wait for an answer on my disability case. I’m not good at waiting. I can do it, obviously, but I hate to.

That’s a difficulty, but it’s not what I was referring to above, when I said I fucked up and don’t know how to come back from it. I was so dead set on completing a doctorate in philosophy and having a career in academia. And then I got sick and behaved like a complete jackass, and everything went to shit.

I’m not talking about placing the blame right now. It’s hard, but I’m working on not viewing it in those terms. It feels like my fault, but I didn’t choose to get sick. So I’m trying to keep that in mind. I did the best I could.

But even if it isn’t my fault, I still have to deal with the consequences. That’s the hard part. I don’t know how to proceed from here. I miss feeling goal directed. Hell, I miss feeling any type of way about stuff other than sad or angry.

I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think there’s a support group for folks dealing with this type of issue. There ought to be.

Current meds: Prozac (40mg), Strattera (100mg), Lamictal (100mg; target is 200mg), Vraylar (3mg)

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2 thoughts on “A confused mess

  1. Wow, I can totally relate. I have to try really hard not to blame myself for messing a bunch of shit up in my life too. Just like you said, it wasn’t my choice to get sick but I am still the one suffering the consequences. Such a bitter pill to swallow. You’re not alone

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  2. This sounds all too familiar to me. I have struggled with blaming myself for all the shit that I have messed up but like you said, it wasn’t my choice to get sick. Yet I am the one dealing with all of the consequences and still suffering. Such a bitter pill to swallow. You’re not alone

    Like

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