I feel useless. I haven’t had any income aside from the occasional donation on this blog since late July. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t get approved for disability.
I can’t work an eight hour day. I can barely work one hour at a time lately. I’d love to be able to. I’d love to go out and have a job and a life and feel like I’m doing something, even if it’s just stocking crap at Walmart. This is so humiliating.
I don’t want to live like this. That’s not to say I’m going to kill myself, but that I wouldn’t be in this position if there were other options for me.
Today, I got an email from my lawyer’s office manager. She needed the name of the person who wrote my residual function capacity form or whatever the fuck it’s called. I told her it’s my therapist, gave her the name, and then I told her (and this is true) that starting tomorrow, Wednesday, this person is on vacation for three weeks.
Not the greatest news for me, but now I wish I had some more information as to why they wanted that information. Why they needed it would be good, too, because she signed the last page of the form with her name and LMHC number. I’m not sure why that’s a thing that the ODAR couldn’t figure out, but apparently they were waiting for the office manager to call them back with the name.
Who knows? But now I worry that her being on /vacation/ for /three/ /weeks/ could delay things or worse. It’s not like any of us (my therapist, my lawyer’s office, or me) knew this would come up.
I’ll email again and ask the office manager if she has any intel on the status or why they wanted that information, given what I stated above. But the answer is probably that she doesn’t know anything more than what she said in the email, which was just that they wanted the name of the person who filled out the form for me.
The point is, it’s been almost three years since I applied. And given my situation, it makes zero sense for me to be sitting on my ass if I was able to be out making money and, like I said, having a life. I can’t work. It’s embarrassing, and it’s hard for me to admit it to myself, that this is a fact, and I’m so over the whole process.
I told my parents that if I got rejected, I’d get a job and try to work. If, as I suspect would be the case, I ended up in the hospital or some shit, maybe that would lend more credibility to my case.
But knowing Social Security’s bullshit system, probably not.
Anyway, maybe they just want to confirm that she was the person who wrote the report. I can see that; it doesn’t at all match my handwriting, but they don’t know that, probabaly. And you have to suppose that almost anyone is capable of forging something like that, given the right incentives.
The most bizarre thing about it is, if I don’t get disability and if I can’t then find a job, I’ll lose my food stamps because of DCF’s bullshit work policy. According to the state of Florida, if you don’t work, and Social Security feels like you can work (because government offices /never/ get things wrong, ever), they want you to starve.
They don’t care about whether you’re disabled or not. They’re just looking for a reason to deny people.
I’m just sick of it.
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I appreciate all of you.