Just repress all of it.

Yeah, maybe that’s not the best way to manage things. I tried repressing certain things for the last five years or so, and other things for other periods of time, some overlapping, some not.

And so, recently, I thought about it and realized that, since refusing to face these things hadn’t at all worked out for me, maybe there was a better way, and maybe that better way was to actually confront and deal with it. So that’s what I’ve been working on doing: when I do something that brings up a lot of things for me that I’d normally run away from, right now, I’m inspecting those things and then letting them go as best I can.

The results so far have been mixed. I think I feel a lot of sadness and regret about a lot of things, and I’ve carried that with me for a long time, and as it turns out, ignoring it and hoping it’ll go away is (predictably) not a workable solution.

I will say this: distancing myself from things, pretending I didn’t care, making myself believe I didn’t care, all of that, it’s served a purpose. As with my eating disorder, I had to be ready to deal. It had to happen on its own time. And as with my eating disorder, I haven’t yet disentangled myself from these things. Maybe I never will.

I’m not exactly hopeful of a total and complete recovery from all my illnesses. But maybe they can get more manageable, at least sometimes. I have to try to believe this.

But being aware of this as an imperative isn’t enough by itself. I have to actually work through it. I don’t know how to do that. I guess I’m going to figure it out, but at this stage of my life, it’s a completely new sort of thing for me. I mean, I don’t even know quite how to google this.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I really did do the best I could at the time. The best I could do at the time wasn’t very good, but I was and am sick. To some extent, I’m surprised I lived through some of this stuff, and I mean that I’m surprised my body was able to physically survive. So I need to appreciate that it’s actually no wonder I flunked out of school twice, if I consider it fairly surprising I’m still alive at all.

Forgiving myself sounds nice. It just doesn’t sound real. But then, the existence of things like black holes and dying stars seem unreal to some degree, too, and I believe in those. So, maybe this isn’t a hopeless case.

We’ll see. I’ll probably write more here than I have been, just to sort of process things. It helps, getting it out somewhere like this, rather than just ruminating on it ad nauseum.


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